Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's regret that is overrated.

I've once again typed out an entire blog, only to delete it. Finding that balance between sharing with others and shielding your heart is so difficult. I've been both extremes and have found comfort in neither.

Blah blah blah- It's all through experience. You'll find that middle ground through trial and error. Fine, fine.

I'm living within that trial and error period of my life as we speak.

That period of time when I'm finding out what is right for me. I've been doing that "smart" what you're supposed to be doing thing for 19 years. That monotonous, droning, predictable life for 19 years. But then again, life is what you make it.

I'm finally not comfortable. I finally can't tell you what I'm going to be doing a week from now.

It's so amazing-
... in a completely scared out of my mind type of way.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I be in your interwebz cloggin up yo google readaaah

My pet peeve? Stupid surveys. My guilty pleasure? Stupid surveys.

40 Secrets About Yourself
(except these aren't really secrets)

[One] Have you ever been asked out?
as in on a date or as in going out?

[Two] Where was your default picture taken?
August Burns Red Concert freshman year of college

[Three] What's your middle name?

[Four] Your current relationship status?

[Five] What is your current mood?
I just woke up so I'm still a little out of it.

[Six] What are you doing right now?
Besides filling out this lame survey?

[Seven] What color underwear are you wearing?
Haha, pink.

[Eight] What color shirt are you wearing?

[Nine] Do you have any pets?
My family does.

[Ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Hm... that is a very good question. I'm not sure.

[Eleven] If you must be an animal for one day, what?
0o the first thing i thought of was cat because I'm tired and would like to curl up in a ball all day and be pet. haha *sings rocky horror*

[Twelve] Ever had a near death experience? accident? But not really.

[Thirteen] Something you do a lot?
Think? Go on the internet..

[Fourteen] The song stuck in your head?
The Wind by Cat Stevens because I just posted it on

[fifteen] Do you want or have tattoos?
I have a tiny cross, but I'm going to change it a bit and get a different tattoo on my wrist.

[sixteen] name someone with the same birthday as YOU?
Pee Wee Herman

[seventeen] when was the last time you cried?
A few days ago.

[eighteen] have you ever sung in front of a large audience?

[nineteen] if you could have one super power what would it be?
First thing that pops into my head is invisibility or flying. Oh yea I'm going to say teleportation so I could visit my friends all over the world!!

[twenty] what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Hm.. probably their persona.

[twenty-one] have you ever been in love?

[twenty-two] if so are you still in love?

[twenty-three] favorite color?
Green or Red (not together.. christmas colors=blech)

[twenty-five] do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Haha, yes.

[twenty-six] what are you eating or drinking at the moment?

[twenty-seven] do you speak any other language?
I know a little bit of Sign language and I took french for awhile.

[twenty-eight] what's your favorite smell?
0o I like the smell of cigarette smoke, abercrombie and fitch (haha i know kill me), gasoline, and I quite like the smell of the perfume I've been wearing- some type of rose smell from bath and body works

[twenty-nine] if you could describe your life in three words what would it be?
Oh gosh. What kind of freaking question is this?! Uh.. Peace, Love, Happiness. There we go. Let's keep it nice and cliche now kids.

[thirty] when was the last time you gave/received a hug?
A few days ago when I saw my friend Jen.

[thirty-one] have you ever been kissed in the rain?
0O, No i haven't- that would be fun.

[thirty-two] what are you thinking about right now?
Haha the upside down kissing scene in spiderman and some rain scene from a disney movie zenon, and then also the scene in Garden State where Natalie Portman and Zack Braff are sitting by the fire.

[thirty-three] what should you be doing?
Something worthwhile involving creativity and not just sitting here mindlessly. That or my freaking resume.

[thirty-four] who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Eh, no comment. Most likely myself.

[thirty-five] how often do you pray?
Sporadically throughout the day.

[thirty-six] do you like working in the yard?
Hahah- What? I think the last time I "worked in the yard" was on a trip to mississippi in 05 and that was in a scrap yard in a volunteer camp.

[thirty-seven] if you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
I'm fine with mine as of now, thank you.

[thirty-eight] do you act differently around the person you like?
I don't act differently, I just end up having trouble wording things for some reason... getting the right words out.

[thirty-nine] what is your natural hair color?

[forty] who was the last person to make you cry?
This question was kind of already asked. I'm going to say the same thing. Eh- no comment. It was most likely myself.

Yay survey OVERRRR. BAM.
(Once again) Rainbows and cookies to all who actually read it all. *claps*

Sunday, December 28, 2008

*Ah* = Soothing Deep Breath

Here are some of my favorite lyrics ever written. They're so simple.
I Wonder by Blind Melon- Check itt.

You can find them scribbled over many of my high school notebooks (mwaahaa emooo)

Hey I'd like to daze away to a

Place like no one has known

In a state of mind I could call mine

That only I could own

Where I could hum a tune anytime

I choose, and then there is no such thing as time

Where I can feel no pain just calm and sane

What a place for one to find

It even inspired one of the first poems I wrote (cute lil' 9th grade me)-

With a kiss on the lips
and a wave good-bye
I drift off to a world
where time is no obstacle
and you can live in the moment

Oh, the memories.

Casually Otherwise

A fit of doubt,
The confusion of this bout.

you can do what you want-

Sitting there to fester,
Undisciplined and left to pester.

and try as you may-

The fear of mirrored obtuse
Restless with the notion of disabuse

yet, fate is forevermore undecided-

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Reverie |ˈrevərē|-noun- a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts

The thing about daydreams is that...
they're just daydreams.

They may be filled with incredibly real cherished hopes, valued ideals, and aspirations...
but the only place they are real is within your own imagination and heart.

Sometimes it's unbelievably possible...
that with just a bit of action and fortitude-you can attain whatever dream you have imagined.

That's not always possible, however. Sometimes you just have to come to terms with reality.
The reality that nothing is ever as perfect as imagined...Because our imagination is as infinite as it is irrational.

Ergo, It's o.k. to get a little lost.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (somewhat of a spoiler?)

I just finished Choke. It was so good. A lot of the ideas you are left with when the book is over are Ideas I'm contemplating right now, so I really enjoyed it.

I started out thinking, great I'm going to read a 200 something paged book about some weird kinky sex addict. Further throughout the book, however, it develops into something more than that. He could have been any type of addict and you would still have the same story. That is very much like Fight Club. You could have any type of club, and the story would still exist.

So here are some quotes from the novel which I found particularly interesting:

"The enlightenment is over. What we're living in now is the Dis-Enlightenment." -pg. 98

"It's funny how the beatuy of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself." -pg. 100

"After you find out all the things that can go wrong, your life becomes less about living and more about waiting. For Cancer. For Dementia. Every looki in a mirror, you scan for the red rash that means shingles. See also: Ringworm." -pg. 105

"My generation, all of our making fun of things isn't making the world any better. We've spent so much time judging what other people created that we've created very, very little of our own." -pg. 111

"She said people can't deal with how beautiful the world really is. How it can't be explained and understood." -pg. 151

"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on." -pg. 160

"If you can change the way people think, she said. The way they see themselves. The way the see the world. If you do that, you can change the way people live their lives. And that's the only lasting thing you can create." -pg. 160

"In America, if your addiction isn't always new and improved, you're a failure."-pg. 203

"It's pathetic how we can't live with things we can't understand. How we need everything labeled and explained and deconstructed. Even if it's for sure unexplainable. Even God." -pg. 232

"There's no way you can get the past right. You can pretend. You can delude yourself, but you can't re-create what's over." -pg. 273

"And in another sense, I want to tell them all not to think they're any different. Around here, everybody's arrested." -pg. 275

"You see, my mom told me that wI could reinvent the whole world. That I had that kind of power. That I didn't have to accept the world the way it stood, all property-lined and micromanaged. I could make it anything I wanted." -pg. 280

And then the last two pages are amazing. There are so many ideas about life presented in this book by this one character that you would never think would come out of this book. Nonetheless, I feel like I could spend quite a deal of time thinking about just each one of these quotes.

Ahh I want to write the last lines of the book so much. Because even out of the context, I feel like I agree with them so much. And how much they resonate is amazing. But I don't want to spoil anything for anyone. O.K. fine


"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Hero or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better...It's creepy, but here we are, the Pilgrims, the crackpots of our time, trying to establish our own alternate reality. To build a world out of rocks and chaos. What it's going to be , I don't know. Even after all that rushing around, where we've ended up is the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. And maybe knowing isn't the point. Where we're standing right now, in the ruins in the dark, what we build could be anything."

Thank you Chuck Palahniuk. Gosh.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

It's only Saturday?

I'm excited for the future. I'm excited for NOW. THE FUTURE IS NOW- OMYGOSH.
Ha-Ha, that is so unbelievably cliche but it's quite true.

I've always imagined what life would be like after college. I've always wanted to be independent, live on my own, and just be happy where I'm at.

Now's my chance to try it. I have until August and even until next January if I find I want to take a full year off. It's scary. Freaking scary.

When I go back to Mass I'm not going to be in a house I'm comfortable. I'm definitely going to heed Heathers advice and go explore Boston. I don't want to be in the house all day. I'll go to cafe's with free wifi when I need to job hunt and appartment hunt, etc.

I really don't want to be at that house too long. I just want to get started. But honestly, what kind of job am I going to be able to find?

I need to-
A-Find a place to live
B-Get a Job
C-Get a life (aka follow passions aka don't be afraid to be creative)
D-Make friends :-D

I'm going to take it moment by moment, because that is the only thing i can do. Worrying doesn't change anything.

One of the reasons I'm where I am right now is because I didn't follow my passions enough. I only did what was "smart." So now I'm burnt out. Burnt out from being around those people, burnt out from school, and fruitless work.

My goals for 2009- Meh, I'm not sure how I feel about freaking new years resolutions..
My goals for life-

-Live right NOW
-Find the balance between following my passions and doing what is best
-Oh, and I'm not sure if I've said it already, but... LIVE RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Yay, you can dooo it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Don't worry... I'm not in AA.

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

- Reinhold Niebuhr

A-freaking-men (Ha-ha, uh... probably shouldn't say amen like that)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I am an Iguana. Just look at me fade into the walls.

This picture right here...
...represents my feelings about finals week.

I know you concur...
...And if you don't concur.

Get out ma face, ho.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Sporadically Crazy.

Life is a funny thing. Luckily music is good for any and every emotion.
Here are just a few of the songs that have been making my heart flutter for the past week or two <3

Watching the Wheels by John Lennon
The Twist by Metric
Papa was a Rollin' Stone by The Temptations
Be Black by Grady Tate
On by Bloc Party
Idioteque by Radiohead
She's Not there by The Zombies
Shiny by The Decemberists
Voodoo Lady by Ween
Tim if you were born a girl by Of Montreal
Zero Zero by Operator Please
Evil by Interpol
Always for you by The Album Leaf
Slow Ride by Foghat
Anyway you choose to give it by The Black Ghosts
Babylon Com by Dufus
Come Away with me by Guillemots
Like This by Girl Talk
In Action by We are Scientists
Indah by NSG
Good Morning Good Morning by the Beatles
Turn Left by Little Dragon
The Art of Falling by Greg Holden
Hard Kid by Piebald
Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
Honey Honey by Feist
So Much Love by Lionel Neykov

I've also been listening to these bands or musicians a lot
(there's no sense in listing just one song from them since I've had their albums on repeat)

The Kooks
John Lennon
Of Montreal
Regina Spektor
The Smiths
The Clash
Simon and Garfunkel
The Bangles
Johnny Cash
The Beatles
Bloc Party
Into the Wild (soundtrack) by Eddie Vedder
Ben Folds
Buddy Holly

Oh my gosh. This music blog could go on forever. I hate listing music that I like at a particular time because I always know that I'm leaving so many amazing people, bands, and songs out. Part of me even wants to delete this post. But I shall resist. I am going to click the Publish Post button!

Feel free to bless me with music recommendations :-)

Now to hopefully get more than 3 hours of sleep. I think I did pretty well today considering.. I was in a surprisingly good mood all day, despite just doing work alone in the Library and Cinema.

*clicks orange button*

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Since when did I become obsessed with syntax? It scares me slightly.

At the moment, I don't quite feel the need to let everyone in on every aspect my life, but I don't like that the last blog I posted was a negative one. Well, It's not necessarily all that negative.. but I guess it's all relative.

What does that statement mean anyway? *Looks up "relative"*
Relative (adj.)-considered in relation or in proportion to something else

Hm.. so I guess in the context it means.. It all depends on what it is in comparison to? What It is relating to. So the person.. It all depends on how the person is interpreting it or even how I interpret it.

O.k. that has nothing to do with what I was going to say.

I just wanted to say that life is good.

Change is constant and inevitable and you need to be able to roll with it. To just be happy and appreciate what you have.

Someone said something to me the other day that has kind of stuck with me.

"Happiness is arbitrary."

At first that statement bothered me. Because the word "arbitrary," I feel, has a negative connotation. But when you look the word up, it's true meaning isn't adverse at all.

Arbitrary- based on random choice or personal whim, rather than any reason or system

Maybe it's only me that found it to have a negative connotation, but nonetheless I was really surprised when i read the definition.

Happiness IS arbitrary. There are so many things to be "happy" or "unhappy" about. To an extent you can't pursue happiness at all. Yes, there are crappy circumstances, but it's all about your attitude, your outlook.

There is nothing wrong with analyzing yourself, your relationships, your life, your future. But there comes a point at which you need to just stop. The point where you need to just stop and breathe.

Be happy right at this moment.
Smile-right now.
Appreciate where you are, who you know, and what you have. There is absolutely no sense in living for the future- something that is so capricious; changeable; wavering.

All you can do is live-
right now

Monday, December 1, 2008

I wonder if anyone actually reads these.

I stole this from mongoos150 :-) I do have better things to do, but yes.. I did this instead. If anyone actually reads this entire thing.. wow.. you get a cookie. Or maybe just a hug because I'm not that great at cooking or baking.

1. What’s your name?

2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
Jeans and a T-shirt topped off with my loverly converse

3. Last thing you ate?
A banana

4. One place you will NEVER eat at?
Uh… KFC is the first place that comes to mind but man if I wasn’t a vegetarian would I hit that place up.

5. I say Shotgun, you say:

6. Last person you hugged?
Crap. I don’t know. Uh… My friend Emily?

7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
I don’t like questions like this.

8. Would you date anyone you met online?
Yes’m- what of it?

9. Name something you like physically about yourself:
My smile :-D

10. The last place you went out to dinner to?
Haha, the cafeteria? It was back in New York. This Japanese restaurant Hokkaido

11. Who is your best friend?
I have a few. I feel weird listing them.

12. What time of the day is it?
10:31 p.m.

13. Who/What made you angry today?
Some guy being a tool and making my friend feel uncomfortable.

14. Baseball or Football?
I don’t particularly like either one. Their fun to watch and play once in awhile though ☺

15. Ever gone skinny dipping?
Not yet ;-)

16. Favorite type of Food?
Omgosh. How can I list one? Really good healthy food? Like vegan stuff.

17. Favorite holiday:

18. Do you download music:

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Haha yes. But um.. it depends on how dirty.

20. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos?
Completely cliché and just plain stupid unless it being in Chinese actually means something to you.

21. Would you date the person that posted this?
I stole this from Mongoos150. I would totally shag.. I mean date him ;-)
Lawl. He’s gay

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Hm. I don’t know really.

23. Do you love anyone?
This question could be interpreted in a variety of ways.

24. Are colored contact lenses sexy?
No. Rocking whatever your natural eye color is, is sexy. Rawrr

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
No, but I really want to! That would be SIIICK.

26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
Yea. wicked fun (woah look at me with my Mass lingo)

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Haha, yes. Freaking creepers.

27. How many pets do you have?
My family has some, but I don’t. Does my plant count? I had a fish..

29. Have you met a real redneck?
I believe so. Possibly. Then again if I did I would probably remember, right?

30. How is the weather right now?
Actually pretty o.k. out right now.

31. What are you listening to right now?
Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin

32. What is your current favorite song?
Oh Gosh. That’s such a hard question. O.k. well I really like The Twist by Metric.

33. What was the last movie you watched?
Thank you for smoking

34. Do you wear contacts?

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Uh.. college? I’m there now.. what’s the answer to this question? The library.. clark university?

36. What are you afraid of?
Failure.. whatever that means.. Being alone.

37. How many piercings have you had?
7. But I had to get rid of my rook and industrial ☹

38. What piercings do you want?
I want my rook and industrial back!!

39. What’s one thing you’ve learned this year?
It’s been an incredibly long year. I’m almost wanting to say that I’ve learned more than I have in my entire life. Just one thing I’ve learned? Trust God.

40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Passion tea, java chip frappe, or refresh tea with some shots of vanillahhhh

41. What Magazines are you reading?
Rolling Stone, and Shape… don’t judge me.

42. Have you ever fired a gun:
Mmm Hmmm

43. Are you missing someone?

44. Favorite TV show?
Oh gosh. Freaks and Geeks? Flight of the Conchords? Heroes? I don’t know. Too many to pick from… I swear I don’t watch that much T.V.

45. Do you have an obession with WoW?
Haha, no.

47. Has anyone said you look like a celebrity?
Not really. I’ve gotten Regina Spektor a few times.

47. What celeb do you look like?
I don’t really get that many comments about me looking like any celebs.

48. Who would you like to see right now?
So many people! I’m away from all of my friends from home not to mention my youtube peeps.

49. Favorite movie of all time?
I hate questions like this. Can I refuse to answer? I’m going to. Screw you number 49.

50. Do you find yourself loved?
Generally.. yes, I would like to say I hope so.

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t suppose to?
Haha, I’m sureee.

52. Favorite smell?
I don’t know. Gosh, I’m so indecisive. I like to say I’m well-rounded rather than indecisive. Muffins smell nice, right? Also flowers (ma new perfume is rose something or other). Oh and I’m a weirdo and kind of like the smell of cigarette smoke and gasoline.

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
Mm I like popcorn popped with a tiny bit of oil on the stove. Yum

54. What’s something that really bugs you?
Fake people.

55. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Who DOESN’T like him?

56. Taco Bell or Burger King?
Neither? I’m a vegetarian. However, I love meat and would have to go with burger king (real Mexican is way better.. sorry taco bell)

57. What’s your favorite perfume?
I seem like A&F 8 a lot.

58. Favorite baseball team?
Um. Yankees? But just because I’m a new Yorker. BOOYAH

59. Ever call a 1-900 phone number?
Haha. Maybe as a joke when I was a wee adolescent with some friends.

60. What’s the longest time you’ve gone without sleep?
48 hours?

61. Last time you went bowling?
I don’t really like bowling. Does wii bowling count? If so a week or so ago.

62. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
In the woods of the Adirondack mountains in upstate new york alone under a tarp with just the clothes I was wearing and a sleeping bag and a few other random things.

63. Who was your last phone call?
Ma gurrl Sarah.

64. Last time you were at work?
A couple of weeks ago.

64. What is the closest orange object near you?
I’m pretty sure it’s the folder on an adjacent table. I had to be a creeper and crane my neck and turn around in order to see it. I win.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

That feeling.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do when I get it.
That feeling that you need, not just want, but need.. to do something creative.
That drive to get my thoughts and feelings out in some way.

Sometimes I want to express myself through song, though guitar.. painting, dance, writing, or video.. I'm sure there's even more that I'm forgetting.

The thing is I'm not a genius (if you couldn't tell). I'm not a master at all of those things I've listed.. not in the least. I can be so held back by the fear of failure.

But as I've said before to not create out of fear is.. is.. sad. sad and pathetic.

I'm not going to let myself be held back.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Sad face.

I just took out my rook piercing :-(
(if you don't know what it is just google it.. or better yet youtube it so you can see peoples reactions mwaha)

It was/is pretty nastily infected so It's the smartest thing to do.. meh. This is what happened with my industrial too. I love and miss them both!

I've always liked piercings and tattoos. I don't know why. I just love different forms of expression. I also don't like judgments.

I've always been viewed as some innocent little girl for some reason.. so I feel like part of the reason i like getting piercings is that i subconsciously feel that they may sway the public opinion.

Gosh, that's ridiculous. 1. because what other people think doesn't matter and 2. what you look like doesn't reflect who you are as a person

Buddy Holly for example. He was freaking kick ass and he looked like a complete square.

I guess I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that any piercing not on my earlobes or nostril is completely rejected. I have to get one more earing or something though. I hate how symmetric my ears are now.

I feel naked. ahh come back to me.

I guess I'll just have to focus my energy on the tattoo I'm trying to design for myself :-)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Hey there, Life.

My life right now.. my life at college right now..

I don't know how I'm supposed to be looking at all of this..
Because I am so grateful for the amazing people and opportunities I have in my life right now. I am so thankful for everything I've been blessed with, good and bad. And the thing is I'm happy! I am happy with myself, and that spills over into how I'm handling what's going on in my life and I like it.

I try and make the best of every situation.. I've been trying to make the best of this situation for just about a year and a half. I see that my college has so much to offer.. so much potential. As well as all of the different people with the potential for amazing friendships.

I've never liked classes and the like, so that doesn't really count as a negative..there are just so many things about the people here which are driving me crazy.

... I won't go into it.

The bottom line is I don't know what to do.
Is this just a phase? Will this fade away like so many other things that have faded in the past?

If I drop out and decide to get a job and take classes part-time what career am I Jeopardizing? I know that I'm in the right field with communications and media/film studies but beyond that.. I have no freaking clue where that's going to take me. Will I be an editor? a director? a work for an advertising agency?

"I don't know. I just don't."

The bottom line is that I trust God.. and hopefully he'll show me what the next steps are sometime soon because as of now I'm a little clueless.

(Do you like how I didn't even mention any of the reasons why I would be considering any of this? That is skill I tell you)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Secular vs. Sacred

Despite what the speaker for convocation ambiguously stated..
not every non-christian is evil.

Despite what the speaker for convocation ambiguously stated..
our society being secular is not evil.

Just because you don't "accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior" doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It doesn't mean that you have no ideals, beliefs and moral standards that you hold to. What ever happened to take the plank out of thy own eye before looking at the splinter in someone elses?

I feel like people here work so hard to have that "Christian image." To act the way they are supposed to so that nobody looks down on them.. or pities them because they aren't following Christ.


We're called to love.. to care.. to accept. We're called to PEACE and understanding.

Working on your image and only your image does none of that. Working on your heart, yes..
But working to put a smile on your face and pretend to want to be someones friend because that is the "right" thing to do even though you couldn't really give a crap about that person.. that disgusts me.

It shouldn't be this way. I am developing a sharp cynicism towards Christians and this so-called "Christian environment." I don't like it. I'm going to stay hopeful, and keep trusting God because that is the only thing I can do.

Here is one of my favorite prayers:

Heavenly Father,

Make me an instrument of thy peace.
where there is hatred, let me love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

-Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

And Their Colors Pursue .

How do you explain a feeling. Is it even possible to fully articulate how one feels?
That word "feel." There is really none other like it..

Synonyms: perceive, sense, detect, discern, notice, be aware of, be conscious of, think, judge, informal reckon, have a (funny) feeling, get the impression, have a hunch, intuit..

How can you describe something that isn't tangible?
Something that is just floating around inside of you.. sometimes whether you like it or not.

I know it's possible. Some people have that gift and others don't.
..If it's a skill you can develop and improve upon or maybe it is just innate.

I'm not sure which of those it is, but I'm going to keep hoping it's the first.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


NOTE- I don't like being misinterpreted. It's incredibly easy to misinterpret creative writing. Don't assume anything of this poem, because it's quite possible that what you are reading into may not actually be there. Danke. I hope you enjoy :-)

A quick bite of the lip,
Before any of the whimsical notions spinning about your mind romp out.
Don't jest with that forged sense of comfort.

Those legs draw in closer.
The natural barriers to your heart grow stronger,
Despite the blood rousing through your veins.
Despite the wish.
Despite the hope,
The yearning.

Arms retreating into their sleeves,
Impassive in the face of your ever present desire for crusade.
The soul aches as this consciously painstaking overhaul slowly manifests.

Unembellished verity or tarnished pipe dream=
Which of you deceives?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Are you scared to post this? The answer is yes.

My mind may keep going and going.. but sometimes that's not such a bad thing.
Because when life is good, That's most of what I'm dwelling on at that moment.

I consider myself a very realistic person. Maybe hopefully realistic, rather. What tends to happen is I see the negative, put it into perspective, and convince myself of reality. The optimistic reality.

Is there such a thing as optimistic reality though? Because reality is neither positive nor negative.. it just is what it is.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's all about your outlook on things. Your attitude changes everything. So once I make a decision, I'm going to try and make the best of things.. because there is no going back.

I didn't start this blog with the intention of talking about that.

I just wanted to come here to say that right at this moment I'm thoroughly enjoying life.
There are so many amazing things to be thankful for.

I could make a laundry list of all of the things stressing me out, but for every one of them there is a different way to look at it. If this is what my life is going to be like right now, I'm going to choose to look at in all of those different ways even though my natural tendency is to go towards the negative. Because that's no way to live.

Many people I have gotten to know as of late are such blessings. Each and every one of you has helped me to go on in spite of fear by just being yourselves. I know I still have a lot of work to do, as everyone does, but right now.. I don't feel so horrible about it.

Because failure is not the end, and it's not the falls that define us, but how we pick ourselves up.
Thank you, Lord.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
-Psalm 100

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It keeps going and going and going and going

I hate it when my imagination runs wild.
.. O.k., that's a lie. It can be really fun and makes life way more interesting.

Other times it can just interfere with things. Can you have too much imagination?
In instances, yes, I'm sure. But for the most part, it's probably not detrimental to have a big imagination. Mass Communications is after all, essentially all about having a good imagination and being creative.

Although, It's more that I'm a daydreamer.. and less that my imagination is too big.
It's like stream of consciousness.. A train of thoughts. and all those other cliche statements.

My brain just keeps going and going (much like the energizer bunny).

and that's where I'm going to end it.
Good-bye :-)

Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm weird (and apparently flexible)

I was starting to see double during my 8 a.m. class today, so I decided to take a nap. I accidentally slept for two hours (two amazing hours) and I had a some weird freaking dreams.

I usually try to remember them when I wake up so I can try and figure out what they mean (if anything) but I was just too discombobulated at the time to even try.

So here I sit writing my research paper for intro to mass comm and I've had one of those Eureka! moments.

Yess, that's right! Lucky for you I remembered a tiny piece of my dream! Sorry it's not anything quite profound.

I was in my room hanging out with some friends, and they walk out for a moment.. and when they came back I was just kinda on my bed with my leg over my head. (I know this sounds incredibly weird) But I've tried it before, and failed, but in the dream I could do it and I was so excited saying, "omgosh look look!" and laughing at myself.

.. It seemed quite real. and very likely to happen sometime in the future. I wonder If i can do it.

That's all. This is weird. Enjoy.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Baa ba Raaaammm

O.k. well I'm currently somewhere where I'm not supposed to be on my computer typing a blog.. but there are only 15 minutes left and my brain is meeellltingggg.

I'm not sure I really have anything in particular to say.. You're probably not supposed to write a blog if you have nothing to say.. just like they say that you're not supposed to make a video if you have nothing to say. Gosh, who is this "they" anyway, and why the heck does it matter what "they" think. Screw THEM. DAMN THE MAN.

.. pointless.

*... five minutes of brainstorming later...*

Yea, I got nothing. The message above still stands though.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Creative metaphores now in demand.

I think I've been putting my
eggs into the wrong basket.

I may have finally found
the right basket.

Now it's just a matter of whether or not
I'll truly have the ability to get my eggs
in there.

Oh, and keep 'em there. That would be good.

I've never had a very good jump shot.

(Can you tell I finally decided to play around with all of those different font characteristics in the toolbar?)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Ain't too shabby.

School is always stressful.
There will always be homework,
and essays(boo),
and tests (boo again).
Always drama with friends..

But life is good.
woo life.

In my old age I'm not only becoming increasingly clumsy, but also increasingly socially inept (aka quite awkward). Despite that, however, I've become surprisingly optimistic... or maybe just at peace with reality.

No reason for complaints that way.
So like I said. woo life. (The cynical part of me wants to throw up right about now)

Haha that makes it sound like I'm schizophrenic... I just watched A Beautiful Mind.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Quote from the article by, J. Paul Tanner, "The Gideon Narrative as the Focal Point of Judges"
(An article I had to read for my Old Testament class)

"God desired a leader who would simply worship Him and take Him at His word. For Gideon, this lesson did not come easily... the narrator leaves the reader with a penetrating message: God must bring His servant to a moment when all human confidence is stripped away, he sits silently in humble adoration of his God as the One who is totally sufficient against all odds to accomplish His divine will. Then and only then is he ready to move forward to taste God's victory, though that victory is no more secure or certain than before."

While this passage is about a judge who was supposed to lead Israel out of the oppression of foreign rule... the central message applies.

Everyone has baggage. Everyone has situations and things that have shaped their past and have ultimately shaped the person that they are today. One just needs to be careful that, of those situations that shape them, the negative don't take over.

It's astounding how severely we can be affected by one situation. One situation out of ones ENTIRE LIFE. However hurtful and traumatizing.. one situation certainly doesn't reflect on what all would be... what all can and will be.

... I'm trying not to reveal too much so I'm forced to try and explain myself in extremely vague ways... Maybe I can think of a good metaphor to explain my point.. O.k. so, I can't think of any, but hopefully you get it.

I hate that I have been so dramatically impacted by things that happened last year. (I'm not going to bother hiding the time in which the situation I'm referring to happened... anyone who knows me that is reading this knows what I'm referring to).

I learned a lot about God and grew so much closer to him. My faith grew throughout the entire thing, because He was the only one I could lean on. The only one I could depend on to lead me through, "the valley of the shadow of death." Despite all of this... Despite me knowing that he will guide me, that Jesus will be a lamp unto my feet.. I am fearful. More scared than anyone could ever realize.

There is no place for fear. Fear isn't helping me. Fear is not from God. Courage is action in spite of fear, and that is what i must do. I Know God is with me, but despite that, I follow through with the habits I have progressively developed to shield myself.. to avoid relationships of all kinds solely because 'it' could happen again. However, one situation does not reflect another and i need to put that out of my mind.. Pray, Thank God, have faith, and try my best.

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:31-34

(Prize for anyone who counts the number of times I repeated the word, "situation." The prize is buying me a word of the day calender)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

New game.

Classes can get a little boring sometimes... well, a lot of the time. For most of my classes, I can't bring my lap top so I've gotten into the habit of finding different ways to amuse myself.

One of the latest is writing haikus. I got into the habit of doing it after reading Fight Club (which was AMAZING). For those of you who haven't read it, in the story there is a character who writes little haikus in his head. They can be somewhat violent and disturbing.. but that's besides the point.

So here are some of the haikus I've written. Some of them.. or most of them probably won't make much sense. If you knew everything about me, they most likely would. If you want to know just e-mail or Im me and perhaps I'll share :-)

They are all about friends of mine, situations, my family, myself, or well.. anything really. I guess they're all up for interpretation since I'm not going to write out the meaning of each one.

I'm not sure I really see them as poems... When I wrote them I more thought of them as a poetic way of speaking... Maybe that's the same?

They don't have titles... Here goes:

Weary pensive girl
Stop now, and look up to love
No doubt you must fight


Does she realize?
The teacher drones on and on
She drones on and... no.


Yes, they are my life.
Vacation? Time is not mine.
Only need. But love?


Loving outsider,
Singled out, let us thrive.
Modest, but special.


This is progression-
Oh yes, ignorance is bliss.
Love America.

..those are some of the first ones I wrote. I honestly only like a few of them, but I felt like writing a blog. What's really on my mind is perhaps to personal. I could always be annoyingly vague, but no sense in having a pity party now.

Instead it's time to get ready for bed and listen to cold war kids :-)
>> that reminds me. There is SO much new music coming out that I want to get, plus a ton of new bands I'm discovering because I recently subscribed to Rolling stone.. plus I have this thing where i absolutely HAVE to look up a band, movie, book, or anything really that someone references to.. I don't know why.. i just do. Maybe it's just curiousity. ANYWAY, gosh, the point is, if someone wants to be my music buddy and share music with me than that would be fun.. and nice :-)

(.. once again.. must think of proper sign out..)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Spaz monkey

While you're at college you learn many a lesson... One of the most imperative lessons I have learned thus far is:

Don't jump onto your incredibly tall bed whilst holding a scolding hot bowl of Tomato soup.

... Seems like common sense doesn't it? Don't be fooled because it's not I tell you, IT'S NOT!

I thought I could do it! I had already eaten some of it, and I thought if i balanced myself just right I would make it onto the bed successfully and be oh so proud of my acrobatic skills.

That didn't happen however. I jumped on to the bed and I was SO close to tipping the bowl to the right so it wouldn't spill, but alas it spilled EVERYWHERE.

So like any true college student would... I cleaned up the puddles and then sprayed the room down with febreeze.

Thank you and Good-night.

Oh and the picture has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was funny.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Quad break... Saturday.

I added this picture for good measure. It's not that fantastic or anything, I just thought it would jazz things up. What do you think about the sunglasses? They're pretty ugly, but I thought I might be able to get away with anything. Hahaha that was supposed to say "them..." might be able to get away with THEM. Freudian slip?

And back to your regularly scheduled blog:

Best. Lazy. Saturday.
A colormekristen play by play:

I started the day by NOT setting my alarm clock and waking up at 12:30.. DUN DUN DUNNN.
It was the best. I felt a little dissoriented, I really did. It's so weird waking up that late when at college waking up late has become sleeping until 8 a.m.

The rest of the day (which is yet to be over) consisted of watching some of T.V., eating my favorite cereal Special K complete with strawberries, reading Paper Towns, and running on the tredmill while watching Friends and Sex in the City :-)

Currently I'm flipping back and forth between Hannah Montana and Myth Busters.

.. What a great day. I wonder what will happen next.

Haha oh, here's an anecdote for ya.

My dad is hilariously passive aggressive. My dad agreed earlier that it would be o.k. to order pizza tonight from Gino's so I could get their especially amazing ceaser salad (since I'm only home for the weekend and as everyone knows.. you can't beat ny food.. most of the time)

So I'm in my room chillaxxxxinnnn and I hear a knock on the door. 'come in'
My dad peaks his head in the door.

'uh.. hey, do you wanna order chinese?'
Translation: "Hey Kristen, I want to order Chinese."

O.k. so maybe that wasn't the best anecdote. Usually anecdotes are supossed to be funny and that is only funny if you know how my father is.

I said yea, no problem. If you want to order chinese we can. Honestly I really don't want chinese, but he has a tax deadline coming up and he hardly sleeps so I'll just give in.

I have other way more interesting things to blog about, but ignoring them and talking about what I'm going to eat for dinner is a lot easier than analyzing the other things on my mind. I can do that later when I'm painting my nails and exfoliating.

Haha. As much as I love adventures, video games, and superheroes I'm such a girly girl. many sarcastic jokes going through my head right now.

O.K. enough of this blabbering.

um... peace out?
(note to self- must come up with a proper sign out for ze blog)

Monday, October 13, 2008

I want to live in the 90's and be surrounded by plaid and grundge rock forever.

To the right you will notice a picture of a random boy from some band I can't remember the name of.. Wait, I remember, they were called The Virgins.

I was just so amused by him. His hair was so perfectly 90's, not to mention is holey shirt, ripped jeans, and leather jacket. I just love it. So cheesy, so good!

.. hmm, that should be my catch phrase. "So cheesy, so good." I'll say it at the beginning or end of each video or blog. I feel like it sums up a good portion of my humor. A lot of the time I want to say something serious, but because I know it will sound so cheesy, I say it in this dumb voice.. I can't really describe it via interwebz. The 1 of you who probably reads this will just have to wait until I meet you to see.

The virgins weren't toooo bad, but they were fun to dance around too. Besides the fact that they smelled quite bad, it was so different going to an.. hm.. Indie.. alternative-ish show rather than a hXc show or something. I didn't have to push my way through crowds, stand next to a shirtless sweaty old man, or fight people away on the edge of a mosh pit so I don't get punched in the face. The only downfall would be is that there wasn't any crowd surfing or stage diving.

I was right against the stage and my roommate and I just danced the night away (this would be one of the kinds of statements i say in that mysterious voice I mentioned.. it's getting to sound weird isn't it?).

The black kids were really nice, too. We got to meet them before the show and get signed cd's because my roommate, jess, won tickets via FNX, a radio station.

... I think there was something else I wanted to say.. but i can't remember. I'm going to be posting a video in a day or two so look out for it :-)

I feel like I should say bye or sign out in some way..
Bye y'all?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Save Some Face

My ability to try and avoid any situation that has even the slightest possibility of being awkward is astounding.

I am walking up the hill to my dorm this afternoon, and a guy I just met the other night is walking towards me.. Did I:

A) Keep walking towards my dorm like a normal person and casually smile at him as he passes
B) Lustfully skip towards him and embrace him as soon as our eyes meet
C) Over think it and walk out of my way behind the buildings to a different path to avoid any kind of interaction with him

..If you picked option C then you'reee correct!! Come one downnn [game show voice] !

What's the worst that could have happened? I trip and fall? I fail to realize that I have a humongous piece of food stuck to my face? Most likely what would have happened is that I would have kept on walking.. and we both would have smiled or said hello.. The end.

Next time I'm not going to turn away. Next time I'm going to keep on walking and be all casual, fun, cool, and not awkward like. These kinds of situations among other kinds makes me realize how much I can relate to the Miley Cyrus song, "See You Again." Also, "If we Were a Movie."
... That's a little pathetic. But it's the story of my life.


For now I'm going to take a break from homework and watch t.v. or read clockwork orange or something (there's nothing wrong with a little escapism sometimes). I haven't had time to relax lately and it's a great opportunity since everyone is out with their families and what not for homecoming weekend. The campus is pimped out because it's also gordon experience weekend for the little inquiring students chillins.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Mysterious Californian Boy

It was just like any other night of Tele-counseling. Tuesday and Thursday nights sitting in the same spot for three hours, saying the exact same thing over and over again.. Until I called J.T. (Those are his initials. It's maybe.. just maybe not right to disclose someones location and full name all over the internet )

We were calling inquiring students from California to tell them about our event especially for west coasters, called Coast to Coast.

"Hi, My name is Kristen and I'm calling from _____ college. I saw that you were interested in our school so I just wanted to call and see how your college application process is going so far."

He was so excited to ask questions, and actually be talking to a student who currently attends the school that he is so interested in.

But I'm not blogging about some random boy I talked to once just because he wants to go to my school. He started to tell me about how as much as he wants to visit, he can't because his father is in the hospital with brain cancer. He visits constantly to help with the recovery process after surgeries, yet still has enough time to graduate high school in three years. He also plays sports, and finds the time to volunteer.

He was also in the middle of writing an English paper when I called.

His energy was just so amazing. After leaving message after droning message and talking to unenthusiastic teenagers of course it's going to be nice to finally speak to someone a little excited, but it was different.

Despite how incredibly hectic his life is right now, he seemed completely at peace. I wouldn't say he was optimistic, he just had complete faith in God. I guess that is optimism.. not optimism that your future is going to be bright, happy, and filled with pots of gold and butterflies.. but optimistic that God will be there for you and help you through everything.

I told him that I would pray for him, his family, and his fathers recovery and he quickly asked if there was anything I wanted him to pray for.. because he loves praying for people.

He said so much more than what I have written of him, but I was honestly just too consumed by his amazingly bright spirit to remember it all word for word.

This small and simple interaction with this boy, J.T. showed me some of what so many relationships are lacking today. God calls us to love and support one another. So many people are hindered by their tendency to judge first and get to know later.

Ugh, I don't articulate my thoughts very well.. All of these thoughts and so many more went through my head right after the call with J.T. occurred, and yet I'm somewhat incapable of re-iterating them. They sound so good the first time I think them, but I just can't seem to put them down. Practice makes perfect, I guess.


J.T. is just one example of how God's glory can be shown through anyone. He was completely honest with what was going on in his life and gave me a little glimpse of his outlook on things. Doing that for just one minute showed me just one of the many miracles God performs everyday and the variety of ways God can speak to us.

No matter what I'm going through.. no matter how I'm feeling.. I need to have faith. It's said so easily.. but something as letting go of all your worries for tomorrow and thanking God for the very things that are driving you crazy.. is needless to say.. a difficult task.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I exhute froshie tendencies on a friday night..

No.. not freshman tendencies really.. because the freshman this year are really gutsy and do stuff and are loud (all the time as a matter of fact).

Anyway, to the point.

So I've had a hard past few weeks, so I basically shut myself in my room tonight..
First I worked out for awhile, and then I ate my fair share of junk food (oh so pathetic, and oh so attractive. don't you deny it) Then I moved onto my beloved laptop.
I've been on my computer for hours... I honestly can't remember the last time i did this. By this i mean being able to be on the internet for an extended period of time without a purpose. Hasn't been too bad, I mean i caught up on a lot of youtube videos, read blogs, and the like.. It's just strange. Sometimes I just want to make sure that my hobbies like youtube, reading, and even my dance videos don't turn into escapism.

But now that I've mentioned dancing, MY GOSH. I freaking love my dancing with the stars cardio dance video. It's so much fun! It starts with the paso doble then movies into the chacha, samba, and then the jive. I have some other dance videos but i always get bored of them after a few times because they're all made for beginners. I want a challenge! I think I'm going to paroose for some more.. I'm a little over my current hip hop video. Maybe I'll try some bollywood style dancing :-p Or there's always bellydancing! I've wanted to take bellydancing classes forever!

Oh how quickly my attention turns.
I don't have anything else to say i don't think.
hm.. actually i do.

I really enjoyed the movie Burn After Reading. I thought the acting was amazing, the characters in the movie were so well developed, and the cinemotography was cool too. I loved the use of framing in specific shots, and some of the angles, and cuts from scene to scene. (Wow, can you tell that I've been taking more comm classes?)

Oh, also! I just finished fight club! I've already mentioned this on twitter...but i'll say it here anyway. It was SO good. I want to read Choke before it comes out in theaters. I already started The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.. well, only one chapter in. But I kind of just want to get another book by Chuck Palahniuk. Or maybe start the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. I have the huuugeee one with all the different books in the series in it. Oh the choices. What do you guys think? I also have Clockwork orange and a few other books on my shelf here at school.

O.k., It's nearly 2:00 a.m., and I need to get up early so I can do work..
Bahh too much to do.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Blah Blah Blah. Kristen talks to much and needs to stop speaking in the third person

"I greet the world with a smile. HELLO WORLD!"

That was the first line of a monologue I did in this play, Feifers people, in High school.
Ugh, can you freaking imagine anyone actually being like that.

Well.. I can.. I know a few of those... There's a plethora of 'that kind' here at school.
.. there's most likely a ton of those at any Christian college.

I just can't take it when people are all happy and cheery ALL the time. No human being should be capable of or ALLOWED to walk around like one big ball of sunshine 24/7. C'mon get real.

On another note..

Does this ever happen to you?
What always happens is I'll say something (or type something for that matter) making fun of it, but then I'll just start doing it so much, that people most likely think I'm actually talking like that.

For example, my over abundant use of the phrase "yo" and "holler."
... yes... I am THAT white.

Also all those dumb internet sayings (like ftw)

I think I need to regiment my use of sarcasm more..
or maybe people just need to understand my humor better.

... I think I'm going to go with the latter. I'm perfectly happy with my humor.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I love skeezy men

As I may have said before, I am a Tele-counselor for my college. I call prospective students and help them with their decision, and answer any questions they may have about the school i attend.

Last night as I was working, I came to Hilary soandso.. (i forget the last name)

I dial the number. An old man (I'm guessing around 50) answers the phone.
This is what happened:

man: Hello?
me: Hi, My name is Kristen. I'm calling for Gordon College. Is Hilary available?
man: No, but you sound HOTT. What's your name baby?
me: *hangs up*

MY GOSH! How skeezyyyy. The man sounded freaking old too with one of those not so nice raspy smoker voices.

That sure livened up my night.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Someone call the WAAMbulance.

Life really isn't too bad right now. I just tend to be a realist on most subjects.

It's all about balance.. or ranting about it..

I haven't watched any youtube videos in a few days..
I want to, but I just don't have enough free time. My schedule this semester is crazy.

There isn't any moment where I don't have work to do, and I'm used to that by now first semester sophomore year. One of the many differences between this year and last year though is that I have a lot less time free in between classes so, subsequently I need to pick and choose what I do during those "free times" really carefully.

Right now, I have to choose between watching youtube videos, reading fight club, doing homework (which i have an abundance of at the moment..not to mention the 40 chapters of Exodus i haven't started reading that i have a quiz on, on Thursday), watch a movie, or gosh so many other things.

One thing that I feel I'm not doing enough of is watching films. It should be a very regular thing to me as a communications major. I need to be constantly familiar with what is going on in the industry.. all aspects of the industry. I feel like I'm so behind on that. Most film studies majors start making short films and videos, know their favorite director, and things like that long before college. Not to mention submit videos to small competitions, like youtubers tend to do.

This is what i need to be doing! I need to get involved and informed with the career I've apparently decided. I've only just begun to get my feet wet. My feet aren't even close to wet, my toe is hardly dipped in the water. I'm still on the side of the pool debating whether or not to stick my toe in the water. I need to make and dedicate time to practice and experiment with film. When I get inspired, and elaborate on an Idea on paper, I can see it in my mind, and it looks great. Now I just need to become organized and self-disciplined enough to DO IT. To just freaking do it.

I know I can do it. All of these issues are most definitely the worst to be having. There are so many other things going on as well, I'm just not very used to doing this much.
I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING over the summer!!

I don't think I should do that ever again..

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Ideating is a cool word... or is it a cool term?

Lately, whenever I'm bored in class I'll start brainstorming video ideas and such.
In between taking notes of course.

The next video I'm going to make involves a little bit of animation and I'm actually pretty excited about making it(which reminds me.. I have to finish the video before the week is up because my animation program demo runs up soon).

It shouldn't be that hard, I just have to write out a script for myself, and take advantage of my free time so i can focus and get work done so i can make it this weekend :-)

Now off to applied communications and then work!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Waa Waa, Poor Kristen

To be a communications major and to not create out of fear is a complete oxymoron (and just plain dumb).

Guess I'd have to get over it sooner or later...

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


That blog below really is the definition of adhd.

I'm not emo, I swear.

Really, I'm not..
I just tend to rant on here a bit because I write these towards the end of the day when I've already had hours of classes and tons of homework ahead of me.

And on another random note...
I probably shouldn't have eaten all that candy and the last "chocolate ball" my grandma sent me.
That's right, my grandma sent me "chocolate balls." She even labeled them that.
Oh, Grandma.

On a subject a little less dirty..
When I went in for Tech training for the room I'm TA-ing in, the tech teacher guy totally judged me based on my pink notebook. After he went over everything with me he said, "are you one of those.. pink.. girls?" Uhh excuse me? Just the way he said it rubbed me the wrong way.

But now I must go to bed. 8 a.m. class tomorrow, yay!
I wish i could supply you guys with funnier annecdotes. I swear I have tons of awkard stories to tell. I get myself into the stupidest situations that could be completely avoided if i just thought before i spoke.. or better yet, just thought a little quicker. As a matter of fact one very recent story comes to mind, but that can be left for another day (curiousity killed the cat).

... Always leave 'em wanting more as my mother says. Good night :-)

(I apolagize for the weirdness level of this blog, It's late, and I'm tired)
<3 paycee

Monday, September 1, 2008

Oh gosh.

What on earth have i gotten myself into?

I have (at the most) 3 hours free tomorrow from 9:15 a.m. until 9:00 p.m... wherein I'll have to be doing homework. Crap, eating too.

Am I going to be able to keep this up? I hope I will be able to because at this point I'm completely committed to everything that is taking up so much of my time.

All I can do at this point is pray, and try my best.
Here goes. BRING IT ON!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

My name is Kristen... and I'm a communications major.

I'm currently taking an intro to mass communications class. Everything is SO interesting. I've just read the first chapter in our textbook, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

The chapter was about a variety of things, but the over-arching theme of the chapter was new media. Technology is improving so rapidly and new forms of mass communication are making it easier and easier for companies to pinpoint what their audience is like.

Therefore with the capitalist society we live in (founded and thrives upon self-interest and gain) the more intricate mass communication becomes the easier it is for people to be generalized and mind-screwed into buying a product. The very goal of advertising is to get your target audience feel they need your product.

How do advertisers do this? Most often by feeding you fear. One technique used is called, Band wagon (Pretty self-explanatory, but I'll explain it anyway). Band Wagon is when in an advertisement convinces the reader that it is the "social norm" or cool to have their product, to be this way, or go see this movie, using text, pictures, or even video (online and on television). Therefore if you don't do one or all of those things, you are essentially not "cool."

With the society we live in today being so critical on appearances and various beliefs, it is so easy to buy into all of these things we are being fed.

I hope I'm not sounding like some crazy conspiracy theorist...

I don't think it's possible that every company could be corrupt and only out for their own self-interest. There has to be a number of products sold by companies who truly believe it will help their targeted audience. However, you need to sell a product somehow.. and that somehow is with advertising.

So is it possible for various forms of mass communication (such as ads in newspapers, journals, and magazines) to be "good?" Is it possible to be objective within the world of mediated communication? With the abundance of moral corruptness present in mass communications do we even want to be objective?

There has to be some sort of balance.

Even furthermore, what is my role within the field of communications? I have a passion for new media, but at the same time I recognize that it is not always utilized in morally just ways.

Is God in fact calling me into the realm of communications, media and film studies? Or is this just meant to be one of the many fields I find quite interesting, but never quite master anyway.

All I can do is continue to follow where I believe my passion lie, and as of now it is communications. As I take more classes and continue to learn more hopefully I will begin to find ways i can shape this field i am learning so much about, and are immersed in on an almost 24/7 basis.

I trust that God will lead me in the right direction, and I only pray that I would be able to distinguish the path He wants me to follow.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6: 34

Monday, August 25, 2008

Everyone has arrived.

I just typed out this entire blog.

... and then censored it.

Basically, I spent a long time carefully figuring out how to accurately explain myself and then erased it.

... Now you'll never know!



Is still dominating my life.

Just two more days and classes start (and i turn 19).

Monday, August 18, 2008


Training to be an Orientation crew leader is taking over my lifeee!! I thought I'm excited, it's just a lot to deal with at once. I'm going from doing absolutely nothing to busy busy busy.

I thought I'd never say it but i can't wait until school starts! Then I'll have a little more free time to do what i please... possibly...

Friday, August 15, 2008

Chronicles of Junior year pt. 2

Here's one more thing i found in my journal from creative writing junior year in high school.

Directions: Describe excitement-

The fervor of the people around me fueled my behavior. I quickly ripped at the wrapping paper savagely, pondering what the prize in the box would be. My eyes widened with amazement- staring back at me was the new life-size Transformer! Drenched in my favorite colors, yellow and green, I tore off the silver twisty-ties, which prevented the action figure from moving into the abundant shapes I imagined. "Happy Birthday!" My friends screamed.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Am I the only girl out there who DOESN'T like The Notebook?

So far I am... I think I'm too cynical for that movie... at least right now i am.. I have my moments. I can appreciate the romance of it, but really come on..

O.k. shutting up now.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

888 :-DD

I don't even know what to say about 888! It was just amazing. I loved getting a chance to meet some people I've talked to for awhile, plus some really cool new people.

It was like reuniting with old friends (that you always have a blast with)! To be honest the actual meet up things they had planned weren't that great, but just being their with awesome people made it fun. On the second day when the "youtube celebrities" were talking a group of us went downstairs and did a blogtv show because we were pretty bored, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. To be fair you could tell most of the "yt celebs" were down to earth and didn't let their subscriber number get to their heads, but the fact that they were up there made it seem pretty commercialized. But hey, if you had a ton of subs and asked to do that would you turn it down? ... I think not.

My favorite parts, though had to be the times when we were all just hanging out/running around from place to place in the Crowne Plaza.

I should be putting a video up soon about 888 and try to include some of the footage i have, however difficult that may be. I didn't really take much and in almost every time i did decide to start recording i would keep saying, "woo hooo youtubers, woo hoo!" Haha, I'm so annoying!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

"Hip.. Hiphop.. hiphopapotamus? Damn you gave him the easy ones!"

10 me points and an wowzing air-five if you know what that's from.

But on to the real purpose of this adhd infused blog...

I leave for school on August 17th. That's 12 days away!! The summer has flown by and I'm not sure how much I have to show for it.

No, I do, but it doesn't really sound like much. Basically all summer I slept late, Watched movies, read, and hung out with friends. I did have fun though. I got really close with a friend of mine, as well as hung out with a few people I only saw once in a blue moon before this summer. Plus who can forget La Vida (my 12 day canoing trip in the Adirondacks).

I essentially did nothing when my friends were at work. I didn't get a job this summer because of how broken up it was. The surgery I had didn't really allow me to do certain things i most likely would have to do if i had a job. I am glad I had the free time though. I read so much, and it was great!!

I read:
-Looking for Alaska
-An Abundance of Katherines
-New Moon
-Breaking Dawn
-The Catcher in the Rye
-The Great Gatsby
-Book 12 of A Series of Unfortunate events

Currently I'm breezing though The Adventures of Ulysses and then i plan on reading Fight Club.
(and trust me there is an entire list of books I'm going to read after that. I'm going to end up with a huge crateful of just books when i go up to school)

I guess I'm just a little apprehensive about going back to school. I'm not ready. After my trip up to Canada (888 woo hoo) I'm only going to have 6 days to get everything ready (AHHH).

It's going to be a completely different world. I have a job, an internship, and now I'm also going to TA for this class (which i've never taken..) Arts in Concert.. It's this boring core class which not most people like.. (but hey, money is money, and and i figure it'll be an experience..) This plus classes, homework, and what not will make my life pretty freaking busy. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I know i can handle it if i organize my time well enough, but all of this just means I'm not going to be able to be a leader for Save Darfur or try out for the dance team. I miss dancing SO much! I love hip hop, and haven't danced in over a year now. Sometimes there is just an energy you NEED to get out, and i get that energy out by dancing. I guess I'm just going to have to channel that energy to the gym. blech. I would rather dance for hours than run on a treadmill ANY day!

It will be fine though. It's just going to take awhile to adjust once again.. to get used to it all.

Sorry this blog isn't filled with more witticisms and funny stories.. but hey it's my blog right?

Saturday, August 2, 2008


... in my mind.

I had the craziest and most random dream last night.

My family and I were throwing a house party. Tons of people were there: parents, kids, teens. And the performers at the party? None other than The Beatles.

NOTE: To fully comprehend my dream you need to know that I have an Island in my kitchen with one of those tall breakfast bars.

The Beatles were performing under the breakfast bar... It seemed completely normal too. So while The Beatles were performing John Lennon was closest to me, followed by George, I think. (They were all still young and cute. Not just cute.. they were dashing!)

Now, I smile a lot, and so every time John would look over (which was quite often) I would smile at him.. And he would kind of smile and blush a little.

After their performance is over and their audience (my house party guests) start clapping and John turns to George and says, "should I talk to her?" And George says, "Yea!"

So John talks to me. And this is wear I kind of blank, but next think I know I'm prancing around my house in a good mood and all and I skip back to the kitchen. While most of the other guests are leaving I start telling the story to my Grandmother and In the middle of it she kind of elbows me and whispers, "Go tell, Him. He would like this story."

... That him was a father of an acquaintance I barely see.

So I bounce over to him and say "Do you wanna hear this story?" And before he can answer all the beatles in their leather jackets and stuff start to leave and I shout, "Never mind! I'll tell you AFTER they leave!" I shouted it in a joking manner, and although they all laughed a little, I thought to myself 'gosh, that was dumb'

And then I was about to tell the story to my acquaintances father when my cell phone ringing woke me up.

This now concludes the story of how John Lennon, in fact, hit on me. (Despite the fact that he died before I was even born)

WWJCD: What Would Jackie Chan do?

Whenever I accidentally drop a piece of food on the floor for a second or two, I pick it up and "kiss it up to God." This entails me blowing on the food (whatever it may be), kissing it, and pointing it up towards the sky.

... I think i started doing it years ago when my sister said the nuns at her catholic elementary school used to tell them to do that. I must have thought it was cool because I've been doing it ever since. It's become just another one of my many habits.

(P.s....I'm not Catholic. I'm Christian. I'm like one of those MAC vs. PC parodies on Godtube. I'm a Christ follower. Gosh that sounds so corny and lame. I've been brainwashed into thinking that being a devoted Christian is a bad thing, something "not cool." But PSSHH, Jesus is way cool, so whateverrrrrr. *does talk to the hand motion*)

(P.S.S.- That was a long 'P.S.')

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Chronicles of Junior year

Junior year of high school i was in a creative writing class. In it we had to keep a journal. Here are some things i found:

"Hey I'd like to daze away, to a place no one has known. In a state of mind i could call mine, and only i could own. Where i could hum a tune anytime i choose, and there's no such thing as time. Where i feel no pain just calm and sane what a place for one to find." -best lyrics everr from Wonder by Blind Melon

Poem by me inspired by these lyrics:

With a kiss on the lips,
and a wave good-bye,
I drift off to a world,
where time is no obstacle,
and i can live in the moment.

Introduction paragraph inspired by some other story I don't remember:

Tears flowed down her slightly rouged cheeks as they fitted the nose around her neck. She wore a blue-laced dress, and a stolid face; her pride was undeniable. As the volatile plank of wood shook, the usually intractable woman remained silent. She seemed to be, however, and abundance of overwhelming thoughts screamed throughout her mind. The salty drops of water which fell from her eyes involuntarily were the only signs which gave away her true emotions. Her motives were pure and she felt no contrite. What she had done was not wrong, she thought. She did not deserve this, however she had the dissenting opinion, and her death was inevitable.

... There is a lot more but I'll save it for another day :-)

I will spare you

I'm following in the footsteps of Steven ( and writing a blog about how I want to blog about something that is bothering me that I can't/shouldn't blog about...

I mean I could... but then I'd have to kill you.

It's just angst that you don't want to read about anyway.

I'm fine, I really am. There are just a ton of tools out there in the world. Huge freaking tools.
(I just censored my own blog. Try and figure out which word I replaced...)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Call the freaking WAAMublance

I don't want you guys to think that the post below is negative. It's not.. It's just something I realized about myself.

I figured I would just say that because I don't want people to think this is one giant "waaaaa I'm Kristennn listen to my emooo angstyy complaints boooo mehhhhh."

So yes..


Rainbows. Cookies. Peace. Harmony.

Coo Coo for Cocopuffs!

I tend to get a little loopy when I'm disappointed about something.. Kind of when It's so bad and I know I can't do anything about it. So I just get really giggly, turn red, and make jokes. Defense mechanism? I think so.

Not a bad one If i do say so myself.. Hopefully I somewhat amuse people when I'm making somewhat cynical, sarcastic jokes.

There is always (at the least) the tiniest bit of truth in all humor.

... Now I'm trying to think of jokes that don't have truth in them....
Dead baby jokes, Racist Jokes, Helen Keller Jokes...

O.k. so there isn't truth in all humor. I should be more specific.

There is always (at the least) the tiniest bit of truth in all of MY humor.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I have a few things to say...

1- I have a farmers tan

2- Mamma Mia sucked

3- I'm surprisingly enjoying my lazy summer full of sleeping late, reading, and hanging out with friends

4- The Dark Knight was freaking awesome

5- After being perpetually surrounded by love and different types of relationships.. the cynical train came through town.. and I just might have jumped on.

6- Spiderman.. I'm sorry, but I've been having a love affair with Batman over the past few months or so. You will always have a place in my heart, but, well... Batman is a complete badass and you just... can't compete with that.

7- The end.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

"NOBODY GETS ME!" *cries in a corner*

As I glance down at the blog I just posted, I realize I didn't explain the reason I called myself a "dirty whore."

So, to clear things up I will explain my humor.. and in a way... put it in "layman's terms."

Kristen's vocabulary 101: Breaking it down

I often say things such as, "You whore" or "Hey ho!" Whore is merely a pet name.. or nickname of sorts. To clear things up now, Almost every single time "whore" Is said, I don't mean it by it's literal definition. (I would never call someone that, it's just not right)

In addition, "Sexy" is an adjective used QUITE often. But be careful when interpreting a statement including this powerfully, literary word.. It is most often associated with sarcasm.

This is the conclusion of Kristen's vocabulary 101: Breaking it down
You may now proceed to the next blog post. Good Luck, Enjoy, and Don't forget to smile :-)

I'm a Dirty Whore ( who likes misleading titles)

In the figurative, slang sense of the word of course.

I went outside for the first time in ONE WEEK yesterday, and it was FANTERRIFIC! (I have a feeling that my new tendency to combine words like "fantastic" and "terrific" is incredibly lame.. but then again i really don't care, I like it, and I'm going to keep saying it. *sticks out tongue*)

I'm also allowed to shower again (YAY). I wasn't allowed to because of le surgeryy. I have to admit, my hair looked damnnn finee after a week of being in unkempt french braids. Maybe i should start bathing less?

... Maybe i should also realize that my extremely seemingly serious and monotonous sarcasm most likely doesn't come across in bloggyform.

It's nice being able to go out and what not again, but I'm trying really hard to take it easy as I've been ordered by the doctors. (I can't even imagine you guys think i had done. I will probably end up telling you sooner or later. Or maybe I will just stop talking about it if I'm not going to tell you...)

It's really hard to let people do things for me. Mainly physical things. I don't know why really, I just don't like people thinking I'm just some dumb little weakling of a girl. I'll have to get over that pretty quickly though..

I usually go to and from college by myself and do all of the moving, packing, etc. (as much as it sucks making a million trips, sweating pearls under the weight of my clothing trunk) I like to be independent. This year when I go back to school I'm not going to be able to lift much of everything. I'm going to have to watch other people move all my stuff in for me. As of now five pounds is my limit (lamee). I'm also not going to be able to move all my dorm room furniture around. I'm really going to seem like one of those *hunts for strong man, smiles, bats eyelashes, asks innocently, can you carry this for me?*



Maybe this won't be too bad....

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Introductions are overrated

Do you really want me to dance around all the real things I want to talk about and be all perky and say, "Hi! I'm Kristen. Welcome to my blog!"

I didn't think so. I'm not going to try and define what this blog is going to be, what I'm going to talk about, and what I'm like all in one quick paragraph... You'll find out. (If I choose to actually continue this blog. I've never blogged before. We'll see how it goes.)

So here it goes:

Basically my life for the past week: I've been trapped to the confines of my house. I got a surgery that requires me to "take it easy" until Wednesday. Don't worry, it wasn't some crazy life-threatening surgery, It wasn't a big deal. And don't feel offended that I'm not telling you (not that you have any right to, I probably don't know most of the people who are going to read this) I didn't even tell a handful of my friends. I told them that I'm just bumming at home for awhile until this bad sinus infection goes away.

My schedule has consisted of sitting on my butt all day for the past 6 days. I've watched more T.V. than I have all summer, organized my itunes, cleaned my room, organized my desk, conquered many feats in Pokemon Diamond, Solved quite a few annoyingly difficult puzzles in Professor Layton and the curious village (a DS game), re-discovered my Sega Genesis, Read Three books, and about to start a fourth one (the second Twilight book-eee).

All of these are things that i don't mind doing... I just don't like being forced to do things. I mean, when I have to do things, i suck it up and do it, but this is my summer- i want to do what i want. O.k. I'm being overdramatic, it hasn't been that bad. Yes, i haven't been able to sleep, but all of this will be done with soon. Reading books about steamy, hot, vampire love is not the worst predicament. (Yes, I am one of those girls in love with the very hot, but oh so fictional vampire, Edward Cullen)

But something I said before got my mind going. Why is it that people are compelled to blog? To publish some of their innermost thoughts on the internet; a place where anyone has access. Anyone can read this. The people I lied to about my surgery... can read this. (I'm not a huge liar, I promise. Haha, but then again... how would you know I'm not lying?) Perhaps it's to connect. To relate to people. To get all of those spinning thoughts out so your mind doesn't explode.

I mean, I tried the whole "vlog" and video making thing on Youtube, and I loved it. I still love it. I have over 1,100 subscribers on Youtube after almost a year, and I never would have imagined that that many people would EVER want to watch or listen to me. So why did I stop? ... I was so vague on Youtube and to my Youtube friends for why I am taking a break from the tubeee. But I'll be honest here.

After an intense 12 day camping trip (both physically and mentally) I had to take as a gym requirement for my college.. I realized something about myself.

I often define myself how other people see me. And as a more worry-minded, over-thinking type person.. that's not a good thing. I mean, I am a confident person, but there is always that little voice in the back of my brain. I think we ALL define ourselves by other peoples opinions too much, and it needs to stop.

Youtube is somewhat like the "real world" but magnified. Youtube facilitates my tendency to define myself according to how others view me. I see myself trying too hard sometimes, thinking negatively when I see how close some of my yt friends are to other yt-ers and thinking why don't people like me that much?

And all of that is ridiculous. It's absolute crap that i would ever think something so petty like that.

I know I am not the only person who thinks things like this sometimes.

When people describe me as a very outgoing, confident person I am surprised every time. Because how could i be seen as "Confident" when i have things like that going through my head. I am so unaware of myself, and thus came my decision to take a step away from youtube for awhile and try to figure things out.

I need to realize that the only opinion that matters is God's and God's alone.
(there will most likely be references to my faith and Christianity in this blog... I am by no means pushing my spirituality on to you (yes, spirituality and not religion). This is my blog, and therefore my personal beliefs.)

But am I a hypocrite to "step away from youtube" and then start a blog? Hm.. Maybe, I don't know. I think I'll post a video saying that while I'm taking a break I've decided to blog. That way people don't think I'm in some pit of depression or just completely forgotten about all of the people I've grown to know and love.

So comes the close to my first blog post.
If you read the whole thing, well, congratulations. Two thumbs up.