Saturday, November 29, 2008

That feeling.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do when I get it.
That feeling that you need, not just want, but need.. to do something creative.
That drive to get my thoughts and feelings out in some way.

Sometimes I want to express myself through song, though guitar.. painting, dance, writing, or video.. I'm sure there's even more that I'm forgetting.

The thing is I'm not a genius (if you couldn't tell). I'm not a master at all of those things I've listed.. not in the least. I can be so held back by the fear of failure.

But as I've said before to not create out of fear is.. is.. sad. sad and pathetic.

I'm not going to let myself be held back.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Sad face.

I just took out my rook piercing :-(
(if you don't know what it is just google it.. or better yet youtube it so you can see peoples reactions mwaha)

It was/is pretty nastily infected so It's the smartest thing to do.. meh. This is what happened with my industrial too. I love and miss them both!

I've always liked piercings and tattoos. I don't know why. I just love different forms of expression. I also don't like judgments.

I've always been viewed as some innocent little girl for some reason.. so I feel like part of the reason i like getting piercings is that i subconsciously feel that they may sway the public opinion.

Gosh, that's ridiculous. 1. because what other people think doesn't matter and 2. what you look like doesn't reflect who you are as a person

Buddy Holly for example. He was freaking kick ass and he looked like a complete square.

I guess I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that any piercing not on my earlobes or nostril is completely rejected. I have to get one more earing or something though. I hate how symmetric my ears are now.

I feel naked. ahh come back to me.

I guess I'll just have to focus my energy on the tattoo I'm trying to design for myself :-)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Hey there, Life.

My life right now.. my life at college right now..

I don't know how I'm supposed to be looking at all of this..
Because I am so grateful for the amazing people and opportunities I have in my life right now. I am so thankful for everything I've been blessed with, good and bad. And the thing is I'm happy! I am happy with myself, and that spills over into how I'm handling what's going on in my life and I like it.

I try and make the best of every situation.. I've been trying to make the best of this situation for just about a year and a half. I see that my college has so much to offer.. so much potential. As well as all of the different people with the potential for amazing friendships.

I've never liked classes and the like, so that doesn't really count as a negative..there are just so many things about the people here which are driving me crazy.

... I won't go into it.

The bottom line is I don't know what to do.
Is this just a phase? Will this fade away like so many other things that have faded in the past?

If I drop out and decide to get a job and take classes part-time what career am I Jeopardizing? I know that I'm in the right field with communications and media/film studies but beyond that.. I have no freaking clue where that's going to take me. Will I be an editor? a director? a work for an advertising agency?

"I don't know. I just don't."

The bottom line is that I trust God.. and hopefully he'll show me what the next steps are sometime soon because as of now I'm a little clueless.

(Do you like how I didn't even mention any of the reasons why I would be considering any of this? That is skill I tell you)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Secular vs. Sacred

Despite what the speaker for convocation ambiguously stated..
not every non-christian is evil.

Despite what the speaker for convocation ambiguously stated..
our society being secular is not evil.

Just because you don't "accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior" doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It doesn't mean that you have no ideals, beliefs and moral standards that you hold to. What ever happened to take the plank out of thy own eye before looking at the splinter in someone elses?

I feel like people here work so hard to have that "Christian image." To act the way they are supposed to so that nobody looks down on them.. or pities them because they aren't following Christ.


We're called to love.. to care.. to accept. We're called to PEACE and understanding.

Working on your image and only your image does none of that. Working on your heart, yes..
But working to put a smile on your face and pretend to want to be someones friend because that is the "right" thing to do even though you couldn't really give a crap about that person.. that disgusts me.

It shouldn't be this way. I am developing a sharp cynicism towards Christians and this so-called "Christian environment." I don't like it. I'm going to stay hopeful, and keep trusting God because that is the only thing I can do.

Here is one of my favorite prayers:

Heavenly Father,

Make me an instrument of thy peace.
where there is hatred, let me love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

-Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

And Their Colors Pursue .

How do you explain a feeling. Is it even possible to fully articulate how one feels?
That word "feel." There is really none other like it..

Synonyms: perceive, sense, detect, discern, notice, be aware of, be conscious of, think, judge, informal reckon, have a (funny) feeling, get the impression, have a hunch, intuit..

How can you describe something that isn't tangible?
Something that is just floating around inside of you.. sometimes whether you like it or not.

I know it's possible. Some people have that gift and others don't.
..If it's a skill you can develop and improve upon or maybe it is just innate.

I'm not sure which of those it is, but I'm going to keep hoping it's the first.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


NOTE- I don't like being misinterpreted. It's incredibly easy to misinterpret creative writing. Don't assume anything of this poem, because it's quite possible that what you are reading into may not actually be there. Danke. I hope you enjoy :-)

A quick bite of the lip,
Before any of the whimsical notions spinning about your mind romp out.
Don't jest with that forged sense of comfort.

Those legs draw in closer.
The natural barriers to your heart grow stronger,
Despite the blood rousing through your veins.
Despite the wish.
Despite the hope,
The yearning.

Arms retreating into their sleeves,
Impassive in the face of your ever present desire for crusade.
The soul aches as this consciously painstaking overhaul slowly manifests.

Unembellished verity or tarnished pipe dream=
Which of you deceives?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Are you scared to post this? The answer is yes.

My mind may keep going and going.. but sometimes that's not such a bad thing.
Because when life is good, That's most of what I'm dwelling on at that moment.

I consider myself a very realistic person. Maybe hopefully realistic, rather. What tends to happen is I see the negative, put it into perspective, and convince myself of reality. The optimistic reality.

Is there such a thing as optimistic reality though? Because reality is neither positive nor negative.. it just is what it is.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's all about your outlook on things. Your attitude changes everything. So once I make a decision, I'm going to try and make the best of things.. because there is no going back.

I didn't start this blog with the intention of talking about that.

I just wanted to come here to say that right at this moment I'm thoroughly enjoying life.
There are so many amazing things to be thankful for.

I could make a laundry list of all of the things stressing me out, but for every one of them there is a different way to look at it. If this is what my life is going to be like right now, I'm going to choose to look at in all of those different ways even though my natural tendency is to go towards the negative. Because that's no way to live.

Many people I have gotten to know as of late are such blessings. Each and every one of you has helped me to go on in spite of fear by just being yourselves. I know I still have a lot of work to do, as everyone does, but right now.. I don't feel so horrible about it.

Because failure is not the end, and it's not the falls that define us, but how we pick ourselves up.
Thank you, Lord.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
-Psalm 100

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It keeps going and going and going and going

I hate it when my imagination runs wild.
.. O.k., that's a lie. It can be really fun and makes life way more interesting.

Other times it can just interfere with things. Can you have too much imagination?
In instances, yes, I'm sure. But for the most part, it's probably not detrimental to have a big imagination. Mass Communications is after all, essentially all about having a good imagination and being creative.

Although, It's more that I'm a daydreamer.. and less that my imagination is too big.
It's like stream of consciousness.. A train of thoughts. and all those other cliche statements.

My brain just keeps going and going (much like the energizer bunny).

and that's where I'm going to end it.
Good-bye :-)

Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm weird (and apparently flexible)

I was starting to see double during my 8 a.m. class today, so I decided to take a nap. I accidentally slept for two hours (two amazing hours) and I had a some weird freaking dreams.

I usually try to remember them when I wake up so I can try and figure out what they mean (if anything) but I was just too discombobulated at the time to even try.

So here I sit writing my research paper for intro to mass comm and I've had one of those Eureka! moments.

Yess, that's right! Lucky for you I remembered a tiny piece of my dream! Sorry it's not anything quite profound.

I was in my room hanging out with some friends, and they walk out for a moment.. and when they came back I was just kinda on my bed with my leg over my head. (I know this sounds incredibly weird) But I've tried it before, and failed, but in the dream I could do it and I was so excited saying, "omgosh look look!" and laughing at myself.

.. It seemed quite real. and very likely to happen sometime in the future. I wonder If i can do it.

That's all. This is weird. Enjoy.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Baa ba Raaaammm

O.k. well I'm currently somewhere where I'm not supposed to be on my computer typing a blog.. but there are only 15 minutes left and my brain is meeellltingggg.

I'm not sure I really have anything in particular to say.. You're probably not supposed to write a blog if you have nothing to say.. just like they say that you're not supposed to make a video if you have nothing to say. Gosh, who is this "they" anyway, and why the heck does it matter what "they" think. Screw THEM. DAMN THE MAN.

.. pointless.

*... five minutes of brainstorming later...*

Yea, I got nothing. The message above still stands though.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Creative metaphores now in demand.

I think I've been putting my
eggs into the wrong basket.

I may have finally found
the right basket.

Now it's just a matter of whether or not
I'll truly have the ability to get my eggs
in there.

Oh, and keep 'em there. That would be good.

I've never had a very good jump shot.

(Can you tell I finally decided to play around with all of those different font characteristics in the toolbar?)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Ain't too shabby.

School is always stressful.
There will always be homework,
and essays(boo),
and tests (boo again).
Always drama with friends..

But life is good.
woo life.

In my old age I'm not only becoming increasingly clumsy, but also increasingly socially inept (aka quite awkward). Despite that, however, I've become surprisingly optimistic... or maybe just at peace with reality.

No reason for complaints that way.
So like I said. woo life. (The cynical part of me wants to throw up right about now)

Haha that makes it sound like I'm schizophrenic... I just watched A Beautiful Mind.