Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's regret that is overrated.

I've once again typed out an entire blog, only to delete it. Finding that balance between sharing with others and shielding your heart is so difficult. I've been both extremes and have found comfort in neither.

Blah blah blah- It's all through experience. You'll find that middle ground through trial and error. Fine, fine.

I'm living within that trial and error period of my life as we speak.

That period of time when I'm finding out what is right for me. I've been doing that "smart" what you're supposed to be doing thing for 19 years. That monotonous, droning, predictable life for 19 years. But then again, life is what you make it.

I'm finally not comfortable. I finally can't tell you what I'm going to be doing a week from now.

It's so amazing-
... in a completely scared out of my mind type of way.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I be in your interwebz cloggin up yo google readaaah

My pet peeve? Stupid surveys. My guilty pleasure? Stupid surveys.

40 Secrets About Yourself
(except these aren't really secrets)

[One] Have you ever been asked out?
as in on a date or as in going out?

[Two] Where was your default picture taken?
August Burns Red Concert freshman year of college

[Three] What's your middle name?

[Four] Your current relationship status?

[Five] What is your current mood?
I just woke up so I'm still a little out of it.

[Six] What are you doing right now?
Besides filling out this lame survey?

[Seven] What color underwear are you wearing?
Haha, pink.

[Eight] What color shirt are you wearing?

[Nine] Do you have any pets?
My family does.

[Ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Hm... that is a very good question. I'm not sure.

[Eleven] If you must be an animal for one day, what?
0o the first thing i thought of was cat because I'm tired and would like to curl up in a ball all day and be pet. haha *sings rocky horror*

[Twelve] Ever had a near death experience? accident? But not really.

[Thirteen] Something you do a lot?
Think? Go on the internet..

[Fourteen] The song stuck in your head?
The Wind by Cat Stevens because I just posted it on

[fifteen] Do you want or have tattoos?
I have a tiny cross, but I'm going to change it a bit and get a different tattoo on my wrist.

[sixteen] name someone with the same birthday as YOU?
Pee Wee Herman

[seventeen] when was the last time you cried?
A few days ago.

[eighteen] have you ever sung in front of a large audience?

[nineteen] if you could have one super power what would it be?
First thing that pops into my head is invisibility or flying. Oh yea I'm going to say teleportation so I could visit my friends all over the world!!

[twenty] what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Hm.. probably their persona.

[twenty-one] have you ever been in love?

[twenty-two] if so are you still in love?

[twenty-three] favorite color?
Green or Red (not together.. christmas colors=blech)

[twenty-five] do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Haha, yes.

[twenty-six] what are you eating or drinking at the moment?

[twenty-seven] do you speak any other language?
I know a little bit of Sign language and I took french for awhile.

[twenty-eight] what's your favorite smell?
0o I like the smell of cigarette smoke, abercrombie and fitch (haha i know kill me), gasoline, and I quite like the smell of the perfume I've been wearing- some type of rose smell from bath and body works

[twenty-nine] if you could describe your life in three words what would it be?
Oh gosh. What kind of freaking question is this?! Uh.. Peace, Love, Happiness. There we go. Let's keep it nice and cliche now kids.

[thirty] when was the last time you gave/received a hug?
A few days ago when I saw my friend Jen.

[thirty-one] have you ever been kissed in the rain?
0O, No i haven't- that would be fun.

[thirty-two] what are you thinking about right now?
Haha the upside down kissing scene in spiderman and some rain scene from a disney movie zenon, and then also the scene in Garden State where Natalie Portman and Zack Braff are sitting by the fire.

[thirty-three] what should you be doing?
Something worthwhile involving creativity and not just sitting here mindlessly. That or my freaking resume.

[thirty-four] who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Eh, no comment. Most likely myself.

[thirty-five] how often do you pray?
Sporadically throughout the day.

[thirty-six] do you like working in the yard?
Hahah- What? I think the last time I "worked in the yard" was on a trip to mississippi in 05 and that was in a scrap yard in a volunteer camp.

[thirty-seven] if you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
I'm fine with mine as of now, thank you.

[thirty-eight] do you act differently around the person you like?
I don't act differently, I just end up having trouble wording things for some reason... getting the right words out.

[thirty-nine] what is your natural hair color?

[forty] who was the last person to make you cry?
This question was kind of already asked. I'm going to say the same thing. Eh- no comment. It was most likely myself.

Yay survey OVERRRR. BAM.
(Once again) Rainbows and cookies to all who actually read it all. *claps*

Sunday, December 28, 2008

*Ah* = Soothing Deep Breath

Here are some of my favorite lyrics ever written. They're so simple.
I Wonder by Blind Melon- Check itt.

You can find them scribbled over many of my high school notebooks (mwaahaa emooo)

Hey I'd like to daze away to a

Place like no one has known

In a state of mind I could call mine

That only I could own

Where I could hum a tune anytime

I choose, and then there is no such thing as time

Where I can feel no pain just calm and sane

What a place for one to find

It even inspired one of the first poems I wrote (cute lil' 9th grade me)-

With a kiss on the lips
and a wave good-bye
I drift off to a world
where time is no obstacle
and you can live in the moment

Oh, the memories.

Casually Otherwise

A fit of doubt,
The confusion of this bout.

you can do what you want-

Sitting there to fester,
Undisciplined and left to pester.

and try as you may-

The fear of mirrored obtuse
Restless with the notion of disabuse

yet, fate is forevermore undecided-

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Reverie |ˈrevərē|-noun- a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts

The thing about daydreams is that...
they're just daydreams.

They may be filled with incredibly real cherished hopes, valued ideals, and aspirations...
but the only place they are real is within your own imagination and heart.

Sometimes it's unbelievably possible...
that with just a bit of action and fortitude-you can attain whatever dream you have imagined.

That's not always possible, however. Sometimes you just have to come to terms with reality.
The reality that nothing is ever as perfect as imagined...Because our imagination is as infinite as it is irrational.

Ergo, It's o.k. to get a little lost.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (somewhat of a spoiler?)

I just finished Choke. It was so good. A lot of the ideas you are left with when the book is over are Ideas I'm contemplating right now, so I really enjoyed it.

I started out thinking, great I'm going to read a 200 something paged book about some weird kinky sex addict. Further throughout the book, however, it develops into something more than that. He could have been any type of addict and you would still have the same story. That is very much like Fight Club. You could have any type of club, and the story would still exist.

So here are some quotes from the novel which I found particularly interesting:

"The enlightenment is over. What we're living in now is the Dis-Enlightenment." -pg. 98

"It's funny how the beatuy of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself." -pg. 100

"After you find out all the things that can go wrong, your life becomes less about living and more about waiting. For Cancer. For Dementia. Every looki in a mirror, you scan for the red rash that means shingles. See also: Ringworm." -pg. 105

"My generation, all of our making fun of things isn't making the world any better. We've spent so much time judging what other people created that we've created very, very little of our own." -pg. 111

"She said people can't deal with how beautiful the world really is. How it can't be explained and understood." -pg. 151

"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on." -pg. 160

"If you can change the way people think, she said. The way they see themselves. The way the see the world. If you do that, you can change the way people live their lives. And that's the only lasting thing you can create." -pg. 160

"In America, if your addiction isn't always new and improved, you're a failure."-pg. 203

"It's pathetic how we can't live with things we can't understand. How we need everything labeled and explained and deconstructed. Even if it's for sure unexplainable. Even God." -pg. 232

"There's no way you can get the past right. You can pretend. You can delude yourself, but you can't re-create what's over." -pg. 273

"And in another sense, I want to tell them all not to think they're any different. Around here, everybody's arrested." -pg. 275

"You see, my mom told me that wI could reinvent the whole world. That I had that kind of power. That I didn't have to accept the world the way it stood, all property-lined and micromanaged. I could make it anything I wanted." -pg. 280

And then the last two pages are amazing. There are so many ideas about life presented in this book by this one character that you would never think would come out of this book. Nonetheless, I feel like I could spend quite a deal of time thinking about just each one of these quotes.

Ahh I want to write the last lines of the book so much. Because even out of the context, I feel like I agree with them so much. And how much they resonate is amazing. But I don't want to spoil anything for anyone. O.K. fine


"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Hero or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better...It's creepy, but here we are, the Pilgrims, the crackpots of our time, trying to establish our own alternate reality. To build a world out of rocks and chaos. What it's going to be , I don't know. Even after all that rushing around, where we've ended up is the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. And maybe knowing isn't the point. Where we're standing right now, in the ruins in the dark, what we build could be anything."

Thank you Chuck Palahniuk. Gosh.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

It's only Saturday?

I'm excited for the future. I'm excited for NOW. THE FUTURE IS NOW- OMYGOSH.
Ha-Ha, that is so unbelievably cliche but it's quite true.

I've always imagined what life would be like after college. I've always wanted to be independent, live on my own, and just be happy where I'm at.

Now's my chance to try it. I have until August and even until next January if I find I want to take a full year off. It's scary. Freaking scary.

When I go back to Mass I'm not going to be in a house I'm comfortable. I'm definitely going to heed Heathers advice and go explore Boston. I don't want to be in the house all day. I'll go to cafe's with free wifi when I need to job hunt and appartment hunt, etc.

I really don't want to be at that house too long. I just want to get started. But honestly, what kind of job am I going to be able to find?

I need to-
A-Find a place to live
B-Get a Job
C-Get a life (aka follow passions aka don't be afraid to be creative)
D-Make friends :-D

I'm going to take it moment by moment, because that is the only thing i can do. Worrying doesn't change anything.

One of the reasons I'm where I am right now is because I didn't follow my passions enough. I only did what was "smart." So now I'm burnt out. Burnt out from being around those people, burnt out from school, and fruitless work.

My goals for 2009- Meh, I'm not sure how I feel about freaking new years resolutions..
My goals for life-

-Live right NOW
-Find the balance between following my passions and doing what is best
-Oh, and I'm not sure if I've said it already, but... LIVE RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Yay, you can dooo it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Don't worry... I'm not in AA.

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

- Reinhold Niebuhr

A-freaking-men (Ha-ha, uh... probably shouldn't say amen like that)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I am an Iguana. Just look at me fade into the walls.

This picture right here...
...represents my feelings about finals week.

I know you concur...
...And if you don't concur.

Get out ma face, ho.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Sporadically Crazy.

Life is a funny thing. Luckily music is good for any and every emotion.
Here are just a few of the songs that have been making my heart flutter for the past week or two <3

Watching the Wheels by John Lennon
The Twist by Metric
Papa was a Rollin' Stone by The Temptations
Be Black by Grady Tate
On by Bloc Party
Idioteque by Radiohead
She's Not there by The Zombies
Shiny by The Decemberists
Voodoo Lady by Ween
Tim if you were born a girl by Of Montreal
Zero Zero by Operator Please
Evil by Interpol
Always for you by The Album Leaf
Slow Ride by Foghat
Anyway you choose to give it by The Black Ghosts
Babylon Com by Dufus
Come Away with me by Guillemots
Like This by Girl Talk
In Action by We are Scientists
Indah by NSG
Good Morning Good Morning by the Beatles
Turn Left by Little Dragon
The Art of Falling by Greg Holden
Hard Kid by Piebald
Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz
Honey Honey by Feist
So Much Love by Lionel Neykov

I've also been listening to these bands or musicians a lot
(there's no sense in listing just one song from them since I've had their albums on repeat)

The Kooks
John Lennon
Of Montreal
Regina Spektor
The Smiths
The Clash
Simon and Garfunkel
The Bangles
Johnny Cash
The Beatles
Bloc Party
Into the Wild (soundtrack) by Eddie Vedder
Ben Folds
Buddy Holly

Oh my gosh. This music blog could go on forever. I hate listing music that I like at a particular time because I always know that I'm leaving so many amazing people, bands, and songs out. Part of me even wants to delete this post. But I shall resist. I am going to click the Publish Post button!

Feel free to bless me with music recommendations :-)

Now to hopefully get more than 3 hours of sleep. I think I did pretty well today considering.. I was in a surprisingly good mood all day, despite just doing work alone in the Library and Cinema.

*clicks orange button*

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Since when did I become obsessed with syntax? It scares me slightly.

At the moment, I don't quite feel the need to let everyone in on every aspect my life, but I don't like that the last blog I posted was a negative one. Well, It's not necessarily all that negative.. but I guess it's all relative.

What does that statement mean anyway? *Looks up "relative"*
Relative (adj.)-considered in relation or in proportion to something else

Hm.. so I guess in the context it means.. It all depends on what it is in comparison to? What It is relating to. So the person.. It all depends on how the person is interpreting it or even how I interpret it.

O.k. that has nothing to do with what I was going to say.

I just wanted to say that life is good.

Change is constant and inevitable and you need to be able to roll with it. To just be happy and appreciate what you have.

Someone said something to me the other day that has kind of stuck with me.

"Happiness is arbitrary."

At first that statement bothered me. Because the word "arbitrary," I feel, has a negative connotation. But when you look the word up, it's true meaning isn't adverse at all.

Arbitrary- based on random choice or personal whim, rather than any reason or system

Maybe it's only me that found it to have a negative connotation, but nonetheless I was really surprised when i read the definition.

Happiness IS arbitrary. There are so many things to be "happy" or "unhappy" about. To an extent you can't pursue happiness at all. Yes, there are crappy circumstances, but it's all about your attitude, your outlook.

There is nothing wrong with analyzing yourself, your relationships, your life, your future. But there comes a point at which you need to just stop. The point where you need to just stop and breathe.

Be happy right at this moment.
Smile-right now.
Appreciate where you are, who you know, and what you have. There is absolutely no sense in living for the future- something that is so capricious; changeable; wavering.

All you can do is live-
right now

Monday, December 1, 2008

I wonder if anyone actually reads these.

I stole this from mongoos150 :-) I do have better things to do, but yes.. I did this instead. If anyone actually reads this entire thing.. wow.. you get a cookie. Or maybe just a hug because I'm not that great at cooking or baking.

1. What’s your name?

2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
Jeans and a T-shirt topped off with my loverly converse

3. Last thing you ate?
A banana

4. One place you will NEVER eat at?
Uh… KFC is the first place that comes to mind but man if I wasn’t a vegetarian would I hit that place up.

5. I say Shotgun, you say:

6. Last person you hugged?
Crap. I don’t know. Uh… My friend Emily?

7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
I don’t like questions like this.

8. Would you date anyone you met online?
Yes’m- what of it?

9. Name something you like physically about yourself:
My smile :-D

10. The last place you went out to dinner to?
Haha, the cafeteria? It was back in New York. This Japanese restaurant Hokkaido

11. Who is your best friend?
I have a few. I feel weird listing them.

12. What time of the day is it?
10:31 p.m.

13. Who/What made you angry today?
Some guy being a tool and making my friend feel uncomfortable.

14. Baseball or Football?
I don’t particularly like either one. Their fun to watch and play once in awhile though ☺

15. Ever gone skinny dipping?
Not yet ;-)

16. Favorite type of Food?
Omgosh. How can I list one? Really good healthy food? Like vegan stuff.

17. Favorite holiday:

18. Do you download music:

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Haha yes. But um.. it depends on how dirty.

20. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos?
Completely cliché and just plain stupid unless it being in Chinese actually means something to you.

21. Would you date the person that posted this?
I stole this from Mongoos150. I would totally shag.. I mean date him ;-)
Lawl. He’s gay

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Hm. I don’t know really.

23. Do you love anyone?
This question could be interpreted in a variety of ways.

24. Are colored contact lenses sexy?
No. Rocking whatever your natural eye color is, is sexy. Rawrr

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
No, but I really want to! That would be SIIICK.

26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
Yea. wicked fun (woah look at me with my Mass lingo)

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Haha, yes. Freaking creepers.

27. How many pets do you have?
My family has some, but I don’t. Does my plant count? I had a fish..

29. Have you met a real redneck?
I believe so. Possibly. Then again if I did I would probably remember, right?

30. How is the weather right now?
Actually pretty o.k. out right now.

31. What are you listening to right now?
Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin

32. What is your current favorite song?
Oh Gosh. That’s such a hard question. O.k. well I really like The Twist by Metric.

33. What was the last movie you watched?
Thank you for smoking

34. Do you wear contacts?

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Uh.. college? I’m there now.. what’s the answer to this question? The library.. clark university?

36. What are you afraid of?
Failure.. whatever that means.. Being alone.

37. How many piercings have you had?
7. But I had to get rid of my rook and industrial ☹

38. What piercings do you want?
I want my rook and industrial back!!

39. What’s one thing you’ve learned this year?
It’s been an incredibly long year. I’m almost wanting to say that I’ve learned more than I have in my entire life. Just one thing I’ve learned? Trust God.

40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Passion tea, java chip frappe, or refresh tea with some shots of vanillahhhh

41. What Magazines are you reading?
Rolling Stone, and Shape… don’t judge me.

42. Have you ever fired a gun:
Mmm Hmmm

43. Are you missing someone?

44. Favorite TV show?
Oh gosh. Freaks and Geeks? Flight of the Conchords? Heroes? I don’t know. Too many to pick from… I swear I don’t watch that much T.V.

45. Do you have an obession with WoW?
Haha, no.

47. Has anyone said you look like a celebrity?
Not really. I’ve gotten Regina Spektor a few times.

47. What celeb do you look like?
I don’t really get that many comments about me looking like any celebs.

48. Who would you like to see right now?
So many people! I’m away from all of my friends from home not to mention my youtube peeps.

49. Favorite movie of all time?
I hate questions like this. Can I refuse to answer? I’m going to. Screw you number 49.

50. Do you find yourself loved?
Generally.. yes, I would like to say I hope so.

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t suppose to?
Haha, I’m sureee.

52. Favorite smell?
I don’t know. Gosh, I’m so indecisive. I like to say I’m well-rounded rather than indecisive. Muffins smell nice, right? Also flowers (ma new perfume is rose something or other). Oh and I’m a weirdo and kind of like the smell of cigarette smoke and gasoline.

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
Mm I like popcorn popped with a tiny bit of oil on the stove. Yum

54. What’s something that really bugs you?
Fake people.

55. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Who DOESN’T like him?

56. Taco Bell or Burger King?
Neither? I’m a vegetarian. However, I love meat and would have to go with burger king (real Mexican is way better.. sorry taco bell)

57. What’s your favorite perfume?
I seem like A&F 8 a lot.

58. Favorite baseball team?
Um. Yankees? But just because I’m a new Yorker. BOOYAH

59. Ever call a 1-900 phone number?
Haha. Maybe as a joke when I was a wee adolescent with some friends.

60. What’s the longest time you’ve gone without sleep?
48 hours?

61. Last time you went bowling?
I don’t really like bowling. Does wii bowling count? If so a week or so ago.

62. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
In the woods of the Adirondack mountains in upstate new york alone under a tarp with just the clothes I was wearing and a sleeping bag and a few other random things.

63. Who was your last phone call?
Ma gurrl Sarah.

64. Last time you were at work?
A couple of weeks ago.

64. What is the closest orange object near you?
I’m pretty sure it’s the folder on an adjacent table. I had to be a creeper and crane my neck and turn around in order to see it. I win.